Big Hat Mama

Perhaps another mother, pulls out a storage box of her child’s preschool art and looks with affection at the figure-paint swirls, the hand-shaped turkey, and the foot shaped chick, the stick-figure drawings (obviously an aide helped guide his hand on that one) and tissue-paper leaf collage, and the last-remaining kidney bean or pasta shell glued to construction paper, and reminisces about the years that have flown by. But I see no difference between the art my son made in kindergarten and that which he makes now, at 10, much like there is little difference in him, his abilities.

Except that’s not true–at least back then, he made a novice’s noble effort at the figure-paint swirls, the hand-shaped turkey, and the foot-shaped chick, the stick-figure and tissue-paper leaf collage, and the last-remaining kidney bean or pasta shell glued to construction paper. Then, art was new, and not just one more thing that is hard to do. Some might say he regressed; I think he’s bored of his own limits, like I’m so often bored by them too. Now I’m lucky to get a markered line from top to bottom of a blank notesheet pad.

Though I do have a scribble drawing hung on my refrigerator, like any other mother would do. White paper with indecipherable swirls, a free-form Spyrograph. On it, my son’s teacher translated the circles. I would have never been able to tell, but she drew arrows, labeled them: Big. Hat. Mama. She says he told her what he had drawn, and who am I to argue. Though I know my son, and I know, sometimes, the words he says are not the words that are in his head. But it’s the only portrait I have from his hand, so I hung it up because it means that he was thinking of me when he was away, at school, making art, no matter his level. And maybe nothing else matters to me or to any other mother.

Flicker

I do better with a thousand small lights, draped
tactfully over my sharp edges, like I’m a humble
Cape Cod dressed up for the holidays, haloed.

I prefer to turn my face up to a chorus of light,
a sunflower in the longest days of summer, before
its seeds grow heavy, its visage morose. For awhile

I loved the white, hot glare of your spotlight.
It warmed me instantly and too much, but I felt
the cold all the more when you turned away,
uncomfortable yourself with all that you’d seen.

White Noise

You’ve gone quiet again, and I can hear
the neighbor’s dog barking and the rattle

of her old car’s tailpipe when she starts
it up and pulls away. The bank of windows

in the bedroom we no longer share lets in
much more sound than light. The thick leaves

of the big maple that leans over our roof
shades the heat, but does nothing for the noise.

Still your silence has me eavesdropping,
ear to the floorboards, for the slightest sound,

the whisper of your feet in thick socks,
the knock of your knuckle on the doorjamb,

the click of my doorknob turned. I listen
for some sign you are still here, maybe just

the clearing of your throat, maybe just
the whisper of the wind bending the blades

of grass you can no longer cut. Someone shouts
to her child, someone else starts his mower,

but now I hear the sluicing swirl of my blood,
the bulging beat of my heart behind my eyes.

Your has silence carved a space I begin to fill with
new sound. My desire a trumpet, my sadness a song.