Amputations

Last fall, I visited a friend and we went to meet her lover. We found the woman squatting over her sidewalk like a clam, using her fingers like pincers to pull tiny weeds from between the slabs of concrete. She looked up with red, wet eyes as we approached, and she swiped at tears with a bent wrist, keeping her dirt-blackened fingers away from her damp and florid face.

“I miss my father,” she said to my friend, and since I didn’t know her, I pretended not to hear. During the visit, I pieced together that this day was an anniversary of his death, and that her father had died many more years ago than mine.

I have never been overcome by tears in the middle of the day while thinking about my father. In fact, I’ve never been overcome by tears at any time when thinking about my father since his death. Then and now I wonder what is wrong with me. I loved him. I had love for him.

My journal entry on the date of his death was this:

182lbs.
My father died.

I can’t be certain that I wrote down my weight early that morning and then learned of my father’s death later in the day. I can’t be certain I didn’t note that my father had died, and then sometime later that day, got onto the scale, and then entered the numbers at the top of the page like I did every day. I can’t be certain I wasn’t, as I always am, still thinking about my body’s weight, even under the weight of knowing, knowing my father was dead. I can’t be certain I didn’t grab a fold of skin and wish I could just trim it off like I might my bangs, or the fat off a roast. I can’t be certain that I didn’t just carry on after he was gone.

Last week I dreamed my father was a homeless man, strumming a guitar on the I-94 freeway leading out of Milwaukee, and I was afraid he would be killed.

Of course it was a dream because my father was dead, died of a bleeding colon. We donated his eyes to science. And he never lived in Milwaukee, nor did he ever play guitar, but I have spent the last six days since the dream wanting to rush out of my life and go looking for him, like a lost dog, like a missing limb.

Apogee

(Ode to the Hoan Bridge, one day before it buckles)

13 inches at the airport
and the storm, spent, has pulled up stakes,
now plods east over Lake Michigan

I ascend the bridge over the port,
and steer carefully between snow ruts,
reaching the apex, and there,
beauty greets me, and beauty
begs me to stop.

A wall of cumulus stratus,
opaque and coiffed like the
wig of a Revolutionary general,
rides straight-backed toward Michigan.

The battlement leaves tendrils
of steam in its wake. This abandoned
legion of castaways
floats ghostly
onsteel grey water, like memories.

A barge cuts the flat waters of the bay,
halfway from dock to breakwater.
the sun from slate sky
drops a pale curtain,
lights the barge, turns
the cloud wall a shocking white
and dusts the waters with gold.

I drive 40 miles an hour but
the moment is mercury.

Concrete barricades rise
as I descend into the city.
The residue of this winter storm
which shed its hoary skin before retreat
seems but an ephemeral visitation,
nothing left behind
but possibility.

Walk | Pedal

There is a man and his son who walk the streets of Bay View. Or rather, the son rides a three-wheel bike like a tricycle but for a grown-sized man, which he is. He is a large man, this son. Larger than his father who walks beside him, pants, usually jeans, hitched up high on his waist, white socks showing. It would be comical, if it was. But there’s nothing comical about this man and his son as they walk the streets of Bay View. As you can imagine, they walk slowly.

The man is old, well, older. Slim, maybe from walking. And gray-haired. And the son is unable to ride swiftly, each rotation of each leg an effort, and he is hunched forward over the handle bars, making his already-large head look heavier than he can hold. Clearly he is atypical, this son. Neurologically and developmentally impaired. Clearly these two live in a world of their own, as they walk the neighborhood streets, never engaging with one another, just walking, pedaling.

But today the son is smiling as he turns a corner, as he pushes the pedals to climb a slight incline. I wonder what he is thinking.

I also wonder, as a mother, where his mother is. Is she home, did she leave, was she crushed by the weight of raising a child so different, did she die? Was she never able to manage, stand up to the challenge of the every day things like walking, walking, walking, so slowly, the streets with her son? Or maybe she just doesn’t like walking. Or maybe she can’t. Or maybe she can’t be quiet, hold her tongue, and her need to speak interrupts these two as they walk, pedal.

But perhaps there is a different story, a story I can’t imagine, but I do imagine. I imagine my story animating the lives of this man and this boy. I imagine the faces of my husband and my son in the faces of this man and his boy. I imagine being gone, and I imagine them walking the streets of Bay View, companions, companions for life. My husband once said that the one gift of Noah being Noah is that we will never have to say goodbye to him, that we will never have to release him out into the world. And that’s not entirely true. He meant, of course, that we will never have to watch Noah leave our home, go to college, buy a house of his own, forget to come back to visit. But we will have to say goodbye, when we leave him. When we die, our son will be released.

No doubt this man and his son have walked many hundreds of miles as they make their way through Bay View. But they are not those famous pairs who cross finish lines of marathons or Ironmans. I doubt they have a Facebook page, or a gofundme site, or have ever been featured on TV. They quietly walk the streets of their neighborhood. They lead quiet lives on their faces. Who is to tell what is in their hearts? But what is obvious is that their commitment is to each other, or at least finishing out this life that was started when that mother and that father decided to have a child, and had a son, and the son was not the son they thought he’d be.

I have watched my 9 year old son attempt to ride a three-wheeled bike in his physical therapy sessions. If no one is there to walk with him, put a finger to the handlebars to guide him along, he would drive into a wall, or would get stuck on any slight incline, or would forget how to move the pedals and just stop. But perhaps this is how their walks started. Slowly. Or perhaps they simply needed, one day, to get out of the house but the boy grew too large for the playground, or maybe there was no money or time for Special Olympics, or maybe the schools were done with him once he turned 21 and there was nothing to do with all the days.

But one thing he could do is he could ride a bike, and one thing the father could always do for him is to walk by his side.