The Shadow

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long

~T.S.Eliot

One of the habits, or maybe disciplines, that you develop as a special needs parent is to look on the bright side, or at least, focus on the positives while rationalizing away what’s painful. Another of the habits is to be selective in how much of the shadow you are willing to show publicly. It’s a fine line between owning your emotions and being owned by them, but I suppose that’s what being an adult is largely about. I’m so proud of the kid that Noah has become, and I’m so relieved at his excitement at getting back to school. For how hard it is for Noah to learn, he loves learning.

For me, it was a hard, hard day. 6th grade should be an accomplishment– middle-school! tween! can you believe it? –but instead it’s a reminder that my 6th grader is a preschooler, and my preschooler is a 6th grader. And I think it’s important to…oh, I don’t know…sometimes show that it’s possible, but also a hell of a lot of work, to hold both the joy and the sorrow of my child’s life in my heart at one time.

All of us, at some point in our lives, confront loss of control over that which we desperately want, or at the very least, confront our inability to insure that the lives of those we love most will be as ideal as we wish for them. I hope Noah has a kick-ass 6th grade year, and I will, no doubt, figure out once again how to celebrate the ways that he gives so much more than he takes–which is really all we can ask of ourselves and our kids.

But today? Today is about making it through the hurt instead of denying that it’s there.